amnesic mind

chaotic thoughts swirl
through gray mists of
time and memory
colliding and parting company
almost as if in a weird dance
thoughts greet one another
then separate
not daring to connect
or become acquainted
total strangers
yet familiar and related
storms within
raging in between
the calm of mists
holding secrets
with the potential
to rip apart
the fragile fabric
that so loosely
holds continuity of thought.

2021 9 23

A warrior?

I am not a warrior.

And yet I am.

I just want to live my life peacefully.

Yet, I cannot ignore what I know.

In my heart I hear their cries,
the cries of the ones still trapped,
locked in the chains of abuse.

How can I not fight for them at least on some level?

My survival, my struggle, my victories,
in some small way,
help to tear down the walls of abuse they have raised up.

I am proof one can survive and even thrive.
And there are many like me,
a small army fighting for truth and freedom.

We are trying to pave the way for others to be pulled out of that darkness.

So living my life, in and of itself, makes me a warrior.
Every time I share the truth, I am a warrior.
Every dollar I spend on organizations rescuing those enslaved, makes me a warrior.

I will continue to speak
for those who have no voice,
for those being tortured,
trafficked,
murdered,
used for organ and adrenochrome harvesting,
filmed in pornography,
all to satisfy the greed and sick lusts of
demonic evil embodied in people.

I bear the scars.
I have wounds no one should have to have.
How can I remain silent while others are getting those same wounds?

NO! Until every last one is rescued and every trafficker is jailed,
I am thrust into the role of a warrior.
I have no choice.
I am driven out of gratitude for having been rescued myself.

A warrior?
Yes. I can be nothing less.

I…

I…

I am…		living among you
                        known, yet not known
                        hiding among you
                        seen, yet unseen

I could be…		your close family member
                                your friend
                                your teacher
                                your spouse
                                your child
                                your neighbor
                                your classmate
                                your coworker
                                the person you pass on the street
                                the person you do business with

I could be…		wealthy
                                homeless
                                a business owner
                                live in a shelter
                                live in a mansion
                                very famous
                                very invisible

I have experienced…		horrific things
                                                extreme abuses
                                                being trafficked
                                                bloody rituals
                                                threats of harm to people and animals
                                                the deaths of people and animals
                                                being forced and trained to do horrific things to others
I have experienced…
			things you cannot even begin to imagine

I have also experienced…	tremendous amounts of healing
                                                the love and touch of the Creator
                                                the love and kindness of those who have dared to get to know me
                                                the respect of my fellows

I still battle against…		brokenness in many ways
                                                struggles in many areas
                                                blank places in my memories
                                                feeling like I do not belong or fit in
                                                feeling like I am closed off and alone
                                                feeling unknowable
                                                wanting to change the way I feel
                                                occasional flashbacks

I fight to…			remember who I really am
                                        remember my value and worth
                                        feel like I can belong or fit in (even among other survivors)
                                        be seen
                                        be invisible

Yet,   I am also…	an overcomer
                                a survivor
                                a fighter
                                persistent
                                determined
                                open
                                growing
                                a thriver
                                maintaining a vibrant recovery lifestyle

I am NOT…	what I have done
I am NOT… 	what has been done to me
I am NOT… 	your enemy
I am NOT… 	a “freak”
I am NOT… 	a “nutcase”
I am NOT… 	a “basketcase”

I AM…	normal for what I have experienced
I AM… 	a loving, caring person
I AM… 	deserving of love and friendship
I AM… 	worthy of respect

Most importantly, I know I AM…	made in the image of Creator
                                                        loved by Him
                                                        watched over by Him
                                                        protected in so many ways by Him
                                                        always in the presence of the Holy One
                                                        His child

I am…		among you

I may even be…	you!

So, watch for me… 		and give me a warrior’s due.
Respect my body… 		for it is soaked in the blood of the many battles I have fought
Honor my spirit… 		for it is sacred because of the One who made me and who brought me through it all.

I am standing today because of Creator G-D.
I am standing today because I refused to give up.
I am standing today to show you it is possible to stand.

NEVER 		GIVE 		UP!
NEVER 		QUIT!

Your life depends on it… 	and so might the life of another survivor!

2021 07 24

I am weak…

I am weak.
	Yet I am strong.
You thought you could destroy me,
	but you were wrong...so very wrong.
Your successes are small,
	for they, ultimately, fail.
And against you only,
	do I rail.
I praise the ever-loving G-D.
	Mighty and powerful is He.
And His healing and victory in my life
	is what, every day, I see.
You cannot win,
	for you have already lost.
My deserved penalty was covered
	at such a great cost.
His love for me is never ending.
	His victory is never failing.
		His compassion is never diminishing.
			His healing is always timely.
				His strength never falters.
					His protection is sure.
						And I am wrapped in His arms,
							Safe and secure.
I am alive today
	because of who He is
I am alive today
	because of who I am to Him.

I am BatTikvah!               AviGail!               Meira!
I am Daughter of Hope! My Father's Joy! Bright!

May 13, 2021

One of my inspirations

I just want to give a shout out to A. S., whose writings have really helped inspire me to get back to writing. His writing is amazing, but his friendship even more so.

Little Hands

How can little hands 
hold the dagger?
They can't.
So larger hands 
wrap around hers.
Arms go up.
Arms go down.
Head swirls
spinning round and round.
The blade is bloody.
The cries are silenced.
Oh, dear!
Mommy'll be mad.
There's red on your white dress.
How could you do that?
Just look at you!
Don't you know how hard it is
to clean that dress?
I'm
sorry,
Mommy.
I won't get it dirty again. 
I promise.
Please don't...

Who Are You?

Who are you
she asked the reflection
of the woman she saw
in the mirror
Who are you?
Are you the things
that were done to you?
(silence)
Are you the things
you did?
(silence)
Are you Daddy's 
little girl?
(silence)
Who are you?
From deep within
the whisper started
oh so low,
barely perceptible.
She asked again.
Who are you?
The whisper got louder
starting to rumble 
deep within in a tunnel of sound.
Are you the things 
that were done to you?
no, came the whisper.
Are you the things
you did?
no, came the answer a 
little louder.
Are you Daddy's little girl?
No... picking up volume.
Then who are you?
Are you the things that
were done to you?
No!
Are you the things you did?
NO!
Are you Daddy's little girl?
With a roar that came 
barreling from the 
heart and soul
came a resounding
roar of 
NOOOOOOOO!

Then who are you?
I am a precious daughter of
the Creator God Most High,
wounded
broken
yet healed.

I am who I am
and I owe no apology
to anyone
for the scars I bear
on heart and soul
and for the wounds
I carry on the way
to whole.
I rise again and again.
I am victory
I am joy
I am strong
I am who I am
a princess who
traded her earthly crown
for a true spiritual one.

The Puppet Master

Who are you and who am I? 
You worked so hard to blur the lines 
to splinter me into a thousand pieces 
and, yet, become one with you. 
You! Who are you? 
Who the heck are you? 
Do you even know 
as you do your master's bidding? 
I feel the pain inside me 
wanting to come out, 
but that is not all I see. 
I also see the pain inside you, 
the pain you try to hide 
behind, "I don't remember doing that". 
You triggered my programming 
every chance you got. 
You pushed me hard to make me break 
in order to keep you safe. 
You never could get that I did/do love you 
in spite of all you have done. 
I know you are broken. 
Do you? 
Are you as painfully aware of your brokenness 
as I am of mine? 
Or am I the first generation? 
I have prayed for you to find freedom 
as I have done, 
for your bonds to be released 
as mine have, 
for your heart and spirit to heal 
as have mine. 
I am not there, yet, 
and won't be until the end. 
But I am not what I was. 
I am no longer a puppet 
to be used for their purposes, 
for your purposes. 
You cannot pull my strings anymore
for they have been cut, 
severed, 
burned, 
gone! 
I no longer respond to the cues, 
to the unspoken (and spoken) 
requests hiding behind your (and their) words and actions. 
No more acts. 
And though I'm still not fully healed 
from the blood that was shed 
or the acts committed 
I will continue to grow. 
I am strong in the Creator,
 not the one you tried
to make Him out to be, 
the real One. 
All glory to the One True God!

I Dare to Dream — May 29, 2010

I Dare to Dream

I dare to dream
of tender moments and soft caresses.

I dare to dream
of healing times and wholeness.

I dare to dream
of shattering glass and invisible walls coming down.

I dare to dream
of open doors and billowing lace.

I dare to dream
of real friendships and shared hearts.

I dare to dream
of quiet memories and gentle breezes.

I dare to dream
of slow walks and soaring flights.

I dare to dream
of clear realities and known dangers.

I dare to dream
of rainbow skies and forward movement.

I dare to dream
of self-expression and being heard.

I dare to dream
of heart safety and protection.

I dare to dream
of walking tall and standing strong.

I dare to dream
of better days and long ago friends.

I dare to dream
of the brightest of futures and heaven’s light.

I dare to dream
of dancing the final dance
and the wedding feast of the King of kings.

©May 19, 2010 all rights reserved.

Like a Child on Tiptoe — January 15, 2013

Like a Child on Tiptoe

Like a child on tiptoe
it sneaks up on me
and then strikes
with a ferocity
that almost takes
my breath away.

I am blindsided
as the intensity
of emotion
sweeps over me
threatening
to drown me.

Who knows
the cause
of this deep
sadness
that so fully
engulfs me?

Which deep wound
am I feeling now?
Which betrayal?
Which abuse?
Which loss?
Or is it something else?

There is only
one way out of this
sweeping tide…
hold on,
go through,
and breathe.

Yes, breathe.
The Breath of Life
must flow through me,
filling me completely
with His
healing Shalom.

I am the Creator’s
and He is
my guardian,
my Abba/Father,
my Messiah,
my Healer.

I wait upon Him.

January 15, 2013

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