The Cost of Reality
I reach out my hand.
Can you even begin to see
or understand
how very hard it is for me
to be in your world?
Can you sense the shaking
and trembling inside
as I wonder when and how
I am going to stumble?
When I will say or do
something that
makes me look stupid?
When my amnesia and
abuse effected mind will
trip me up?
Do you realize how hard it is
for me to try and look
“normal”?
To try and look as if I am
comfortable and OK
in your world?
Are you aware that I am not even
really IN your world?
That I struggle in a world
all my own?
Do you know how hard it is
to trust
that you are really
what I see?
That there is not something
else going on?
Do you have any idea
how much energy it takes
to be bravely hopeful
and always vigilant?
To wonder if
your friendship
is the “real deal”
or just another setup?
To be ever watchful
for the cue
that lets me know
that you might be
betraying me?
Or that your actions and words
are only out of
some sense
of duty?
Do you know how much
I HATE
feeling the way I do?
How much I HATE
knowing that I will always be
suspicious…even if only
subconsciously?
Do you understand the
cost
to me when I persist in trying to
trust you?
When I persist in trying to
let you in?
Do you know how much my
not walking away says
about how much I
value
your friendship?
I hope you do.
©April 12, 2009
A Survivor's Poetry 
March 24, 2011 at 2:37 pm
You wrote how I feel. It still surprises me sometimes that I am not alone, that some people do know what is is like to have dissociation.
March 26, 2011 at 6:22 pm
Thanks, radicalhope! Feeling like I can be a real friend does come easier over time. But then I find I can get slammed right back into not knowing what to trust in whom. It is like the walls are just thrown up and there is nothing I can do about it.
March 31, 2011 at 3:51 pm
I think I know what you mean. Me, I have a hard time letting people be human. I keep expecting them to try and destroy me when actually they are being selfish and annoying.
April 1, 2011 at 10:10 pm
That is a good point. It is easy to assume malicious intent when they are simply being human. Thanks for that reminder!